How to get rid of those hanging Chad’s, Brad’s, and Ahmad’s (Getting Rid of Stage Five Clingers)

I recently noticed I’ve been helping you guys be a proper side piece, determine who’s a f*ck buddy and who’s a friend with benefits, and how to sext, but I’ve left out one major side effect of those relationships. The ones that can’t let go! Most times these things just don’t end with mutual understanding, and you have to pull the plug. You feel like you’ve done everything to push them away and it just doesn’t stick. Well, I’m sure you haven’t gone through this process. Here’s how to get rid of stage five clingers:

Step 1: Give them constant reminders that the agreement you once had has ended.
These reminders can begin very friendly. Start with “we can’t have what we used to have” and eventually move to “I don’t want you anymore.” The move from one to the other depends on what you still want with the person. Want to continue to be friends? Then just try to be persistent; tell them how much you value your friendship and just don’t want to continue to lead them on. Don’t want any communication? Just give them the “It’ll never be you” treatment. Sometimes people just need that punch in the stomach to understand you. (Not literally Lord, please.)


Step 2: Try to distract them with something, anything.
My first attempt would be to try hooking them up with someone else. It has to be someone you know the person would love, someone with whom they evidently share compatibility. Setting them up with someone else shows that even though you don’t want to continue your previous agreement, you still want them to have some happiness. (Even if you don’t, it’s a good way to shake them off. Show them the benefits of having you as just a friend or not having you around at all. Hobbies work too but usually finding a direct replacement for the relationship they’ve now lost works best.


Step 3: Break their heart.
At this point, you’ve tried all of the nicer ways, and they just haven’t worked, so now you have to take drastic measures. You have to prove to them you’re no good for them. You can break their heart by showing up with a new bae or sleeping with their friends. I wouldn’t necessarily suggest the latter if you don’t want to risk your life, but it would work. The new bae of the former doesn’t have to be a real relationship, but just bringing them around would give the facade that it is. You could even pay someone to be your fake partner (email me if you need these services.)


Step 4: Go ghost
Nothing has worked, you just have to burn it all and disappear. Move away even, if possible. Don’t answer texts, calls, Facebook messages, or GroupMe DMs. In fact, just block them on everything; ignore carrier pigeons if you have to. Clearly, cold turkey is the only thing that will work for this person, so no communication is key. DON’T slip up; if you do, you’ll have to start the whole process over because you’ve given them a glimmer of hope that they can get back what they once had. Going ghost may not be permanent, but it has to at least last two years, just to be safe.


I hope this helped you drop a side piece for a full meal, turn f*ck buddies into buddies, transfer FWB to just F, and cut clingers that just won’t let go. It has surely worked for me. Let me know if you’ve had to do anything similar in the past. Or if this is something you need to implement, keep me posted on what step you’re on in the process and its success in the comments below.

P.S. Yes I know Ahmad doesn’t rhyme with Brad and Chad; however, I liked the C-B-A pattern, and they all end in -ad, so get over it. J

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