Disclaimer: Now, I’m not saying I’ve ever been a side piece. But I definitely have friends who have. After a series of discussions with them, I have compiled a list of several non-negotiables that if I HAD ever been a side piece, I’m sure I would’ve lived by. If I had been. 🌚
Rule #1: You don’t matter.
#SorryNotSorry. Let’s be clear: you are a SIDE PIECE, not the main dish; the deviled eggs at Thanksgiving dinner. Your presence brings happiness, but you’re not completely necessary for satisfaction on that day. The best way to save yourself from hurt feelings is to remember that in the grand scheme of things, you don’t matter.
Rule #2: You’ll never be the main.
Never believe when you’re told they’ll leave their main for you one day, because 99.9999999% of the time, they’re just leading you on. If they do leave their main, be prepared for them to potentially replace your side piece position with someone else. I’d just get used to being a side piece, it can be a nice, happy place.
Now there are some exceptions to this rule, arguably, Angelina Jolie, Alicia Keys, and Gabrielle Union. But they are one in a million, don’t aspire to be them because it doesn’t always work out.
Rule #3: Be quiet.
Silent, even; you don’t know them. Unless you were friends before your side pieceness began, avoid them like the plague when around others. Don’t tell anyone who you’re with when spending time with them. Don’t brag about them to your little friends; just hush. But since you’ll want to brag anyways, give them a fake name, if necessary. Actually, definitely give them a fake.
Rule #4: Be thankful.
You won the lottery; you get the great sex and maybe some cuddling and you don’t have to tolerate them outside of that. There were many fighting for this position and you won. Congratulations. Enjoy the ride for what it is.
Rule #5: Don’t be faithful.
For what? Of course your partner thinks they’re the only one, but they don’t have to actually be. Don’t empty your roster for someone that isn’t yours. That’s just foolish. Get what you want from as many people as you want.
Rule #6: Don’t be stressful.
You are a stress release; they came to you for escape so try to make sure that you are a person they can rely on for that. Be caring, adventurous, and pleasant. Not saying there won’t be issues to discuss, but the majority of the arrangement’s duration should be delightful and fun. NO DRAMA.
Rule #7: If they live with their main, all activities must occur elsewhere.
It’s honestly asking for trouble to have relations in a home they share with their partner. It’s inevitable to leave some kind of evidence behind. So it’s either your place or hotels, no questions asked. I know the risk of getting caught can be invigorating, but the risk of getting shot is deadly.
Rule #8: Don’t get (or don’t get them) pregnant.
CONDOMS CONDOMS CONDOMS. You already know you aren’t the only one, so please protect yourself. You don’t want any proof that you were together or any extra baggage that you’ll have to carry with you for the rest of your life. So each of you need to take the precautionary steps so that no pregnancy and/or STD transmission occurs. Try not to bring another human being into the arrangement for optimal results.
Rule #9: If pregnancy occurs, stay quiet.
You don’t need to boast or brag about it. Stay humble and humbly collect these checks for 18 years. Or let the main think it’s theirs, easy peasy. Clean hands, no one knows.
Rule #10: Avoid all contact with the main and any current children.
You are not a part of an extended family; you shouldn’t speak to or about the main unless it’s completely necessary. You don’t even need to know the names, ages, or locations of their children, except that they aren’t anywhere near you. Stay far away from them. It just makes things easier to not be completely involved in their real life.
Rule #11: If/When you get demoted, be quiet.
Side pieces don’t last forever; I understand you may not have wanted it to end this soon but leaving gracefully is the best plan of action when your contract is up. Go onto your next position, which could be a main dish; onward and upward.
Rule #12: Deny, Deny, Deny.
If things ever hit the fan, this never happened. No one knows about your relations. If anything, you were just a friend. If the main gets paranoid and starts searching around, DELETE DELETE DELETE. Ensure there’s no proof and continue to deny. You have to cover your butt so this doesn’t become a bigger deal than it needs to be.
Rule #13: Avoid all social media beef.
If the main approaches you on social media, screenshot then block them. Don’t respond; don’t argue; don’t even read it until after they’re blocked to stop yourself from responding. Send the screenshot to your partner and let them handle it. It’s best to dissolve the situation as quickly as possible and any public beefing would make it more difficult.
Rule #14: Don’t come to the main as a woman/man.
Stay in your lane. You knewww they had a main. You knewww you were doing something some deem as morally wrong. So please don’t take it into your own hands to communicate what’s been going on with the main. If you start to feel bad, it’s best to void the contract. Now you know that you aren’t about the side piece life and can go on and be happy with someone else.
Rule #15: If all else fails, BE QUIET.
This is a temporary arrangement that should be kept in silence for its success. If you follow rules 1-15 to the letter, you won’t end up with an ice cream carton full of tears.